Secure

A totally sleepless night! I have actually just been watching my husband for hours. It is shocking how his disease has progressed in just a week. I watch his breathing. I watch the movements of his hands as he works or points according to the dreamworld he is in. I listen to him telling me about something that has happened, but not in this reality. And I tell him over and over that I love him. It doesn't matter if he is awake or asleep. I have to tell him.

On Friday he had his first fall. It was in the house & he was able to get himself up using the sofa for support. Just a simple skinned knee. On Sunday he decided he would go to the store to his "coffee club". I was very uncomfortable with him going & as I always do I asked God to keep him safe. Less than an hour after he left I got a call from a young man telling me my husband had been in an accident. His truck was in a culvert only 2 houses from ours. However, it was in front of an empty house so no one heard when it happened. Because of the angle of his truck, when he opened his door, he fell into cold muddy water. The young man called today to see how my husband was. I had inadvertently deleted his # from my caller ID, so I was very glad he called & I was able to thank him for his help. He said he & a friend were going to go fishing. They passed the truck & about 15 minutes later they came back by. He said he told his friend to stop so he could see if anyone was still inside. He was able to get my husband up out of the muddy water. So we know he was there at least 15 minutes. What must have gone through his mind as he lay in that cold water, unable to get himself up. It breaks my heart to think about it. After a hot shower, clean clothes, talk with the Highway Patrol trooper, we had a trip to the ER. CT of head & neck showed nothing of concern. So a few more abrasions. No more driving for him. Today he wanted to sit on the front porch for a little while. When he was ready to go in, the phone was ringing so I went ahead. Before I even reached the phone I heard him fall. He had fallen backwards off our porch with his head facing down the steps. Even though my husband has lost about 60 lbs, he is more than I can lift. Cars were passing by & no one seemed to notice. Finally I got his head up & braced my back against his shoulders. I worked him up to where my back was against his & he was in a sitting position. There were some men leaving work at a lawn service across the street. After several minutes of yelling, one looked at me & I asked them to please help me. One of the men drove his van across the street & helped me get my husband up & back in the house. So we've been granted 2 good Samaritans in 2 days. There is still hope for our world. There are many caring people still out there. I was told by the on-call hospice representative that I must stay with him at all times. I explained that even if I had been right there when he fell, he would have only taken me down with him. I know God has been there to break his falls for he has not sustained any serious injury. But I also know that a wheelchair is definitely needed, so I will try to get that started tomorrow. A friend from church had already donated a ramp & some of the men from church will install that for us. I thought the wheelchair would come much later, but I see that God's timing is not what I had wished for. It hurts to know the time is nearing when I will have to let him go. It hurts to see the pain my children are going through.

With all the pain, the disappointment, and the loneliness that comes with this journey, I know that I have a heavenly Father who loves us. Do I understand why this is happening? No, I don't. Will I see the reason one day? Maybe not on this earth. Am I secure that God is in control? With all my soul.