Praising Through the Grief

On March 24, 2012 at 7:05 a.m. by my clock, Jesus took my husband's hand and lead him through the veil from this world to the next. No more pain. No more suffering. He's worshipping before the Father.

The night before my husband died, my children and I met with our pastor to discuss the service we wanted as I knew time was short. Our pastor handled that so beautifully and made it so much easier for my children. Although my husband died on the 24th, we held the service till the 30th to give any of his out-of-state family who could come time to get here.

I have never been in a memorial service like this. Not because it was for my husband, although that is certainly true. This service was unique. The support from family, friends, church family, coworkers of my children, my former coworkers and employers, and my husband's former coworkers was truly overwhelming. We were so touched by the outpouring of love. The men I chose to speak were men who loved and respected my husband. My husband also loved and respected them - our former pastor for almost 22 years, one of our dear friends, a current deacon who has helped us tremendously in recent days, our current assistant pastor, and our current pastor. Each man had something unique only to them to say about my husband and yet it was so obvious they all knew him so well. 

The songs chosen by my youngest daughter to be played, Go Rest High on that Mountain,http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=WtmAVGPEPSI&list=PL71E1745B07382D23
and Daddy's Hands, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mF_fli5SmbY&feature=player_detailpage
and the You-Tube version of the newer Jesus Saves suggested by our pastor because it was one of my husband's favorites  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=RwZqhx8eSN4, could not have been more appropriate. I must say that I became most emotional during the song, Jesus Saves, and I had to lift my hands in praise to the God of all creation. The list of some of the memories each of our children had of their dad read by the pastor brought laughter & some tears.

The items we chose to go on the memorial table also told so much about this man I loved. The red, white & blue flower arrangement & the American flag because he was a loyal American and "once a Marine always a Marine". The little statues my children had given their daddy one Father's Day - the father & little daughter hugging, from my oldest daughter; the large hand holding the tiny hand, from my youngest daughter; the father in his baseball cap with his arms around his son as he shows him how to hold the baseball bat, from, of course, my son.

The book The Little Lost Lamb and a little stuffed lamb held a dual meaning for my son in memories of his dad. The appreciation plaque the church presented my husband for his diligence in keeping an eye on how things were being done when our new sanctuary & fellowship hall were built.

The "Attaboy" plaque presented to him by the Tuesday Night Men's Bible Study for all the behind the scene things he did.

These sound like simple things don't they? He was a simple man who sought no recognition from this world, though he earned it. If he was your friend, he was your friend for life. He may not always agree with you, and he usually told you, but he never held it against you. He loved his God, his family, his church, and his friends.

I chose to have his service closed with a congregational praise song, another of my husband's favorites, Days of Elijah. I wanted everyone to understand that my heart was praising God, too. Not face to face yet, but still praising. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HDJ3xyvjMU&feature=player_detailpage

Today we held his graveside service. Just as we arrived at the memorial park, it began to pour rain. Dutifully the little band of very young Marines exited their bus and stood at attention. We had them do their honors first although they would have stood there the entire time. The sound of the gun salute and taps has never been more stirring. I hope that young Marine who presented the flag to me could see in my eyes how much I love every one of them. I believe he knew. I asked him to thank them for me and as he saluted me, with our eyes locked, I whispered, "God bless you". Thank God we still have young men like those. My oldest grandson will soon join the ranks of very young Marines.

I know there will be some difficult days to come. I miss Al so much already. I know when my time comes he will be waiting saying, "Here she comes." So I choose to praise through the grief. I hope you can, as well.

Secure

A totally sleepless night! I have actually just been watching my husband for hours. It is shocking how his disease has progressed in just a week. I watch his breathing. I watch the movements of his hands as he works or points according to the dreamworld he is in. I listen to him telling me about something that has happened, but not in this reality. And I tell him over and over that I love him. It doesn't matter if he is awake or asleep. I have to tell him.

On Friday he had his first fall. It was in the house & he was able to get himself up using the sofa for support. Just a simple skinned knee. On Sunday he decided he would go to the store to his "coffee club". I was very uncomfortable with him going & as I always do I asked God to keep him safe. Less than an hour after he left I got a call from a young man telling me my husband had been in an accident. His truck was in a culvert only 2 houses from ours. However, it was in front of an empty house so no one heard when it happened. Because of the angle of his truck, when he opened his door, he fell into cold muddy water. The young man called today to see how my husband was. I had inadvertently deleted his # from my caller ID, so I was very glad he called & I was able to thank him for his help. He said he & a friend were going to go fishing. They passed the truck & about 15 minutes later they came back by. He said he told his friend to stop so he could see if anyone was still inside. He was able to get my husband up out of the muddy water. So we know he was there at least 15 minutes. What must have gone through his mind as he lay in that cold water, unable to get himself up. It breaks my heart to think about it. After a hot shower, clean clothes, talk with the Highway Patrol trooper, we had a trip to the ER. CT of head & neck showed nothing of concern. So a few more abrasions. No more driving for him. Today he wanted to sit on the front porch for a little while. When he was ready to go in, the phone was ringing so I went ahead. Before I even reached the phone I heard him fall. He had fallen backwards off our porch with his head facing down the steps. Even though my husband has lost about 60 lbs, he is more than I can lift. Cars were passing by & no one seemed to notice. Finally I got his head up & braced my back against his shoulders. I worked him up to where my back was against his & he was in a sitting position. There were some men leaving work at a lawn service across the street. After several minutes of yelling, one looked at me & I asked them to please help me. One of the men drove his van across the street & helped me get my husband up & back in the house. So we've been granted 2 good Samaritans in 2 days. There is still hope for our world. There are many caring people still out there. I was told by the on-call hospice representative that I must stay with him at all times. I explained that even if I had been right there when he fell, he would have only taken me down with him. I know God has been there to break his falls for he has not sustained any serious injury. But I also know that a wheelchair is definitely needed, so I will try to get that started tomorrow. A friend from church had already donated a ramp & some of the men from church will install that for us. I thought the wheelchair would come much later, but I see that God's timing is not what I had wished for. It hurts to know the time is nearing when I will have to let him go. It hurts to see the pain my children are going through.

With all the pain, the disappointment, and the loneliness that comes with this journey, I know that I have a heavenly Father who loves us. Do I understand why this is happening? No, I don't. Will I see the reason one day? Maybe not on this earth. Am I secure that God is in control? With all my soul.

Who Will Hold You?

It's been some time since I posted on my blog. There has been so much going on.

My husband was in the hospital with a bacterial infection. Thankfully, it was quickly taken care of with antibiotic & he was back home by the 4th day. He is now quite tired. A few times a week he ventures to the store nearby to meet with his "coffee club". His pill chemo had been decreased because of his weakness. When he was admitted to the hospital, it was completely stopped. On Monday the oncologist talked with us and said for quality of life he felt it best not to resume the pill chemo. We now have Hospice coming in once a week. In addition to a Hospice nurse that visited, a Hospice social worker also came. We expressed our faith to her and learned that she, too, is a Christian. My husband was able to talk to her about his faith and reliance on God. How thankful we are that someone is coming who understands and is a sister in Christ. God does supply our needs.

As the doctor has told us we could expect "weeks to a handful of months", we find that emotions are running high. Reaching this point has brought the realization that time with my husband is truly short. It has also brought that realization to our children and grandchildren. I find that tears flow quite easily and quite often.

Our church family and friends, as always, are being very supportive. We discussed with the Hospice social worker that we wondered how people with no relationship with God made it through these times. My husband brought up the poem, Footprints, and how when there was only one set of prints it was when Jesus was carrying us. You can believe me, He is carrying us right now! Without His strength, we could not make this journey gracefully. There are times that I feel His arms holding me up, when I just want to crumble to the floor.

Friends, if you don't have that relationship with Him, who will hold you up when this time comes to you? Some people say that Christians are weak & just need a crutch. OK. I will go along with that. I am weak & I need Christ to lean on. And Praise Him, He is there! So you critics of Christianity, are you really so strong that you can walk this road, this valley of the shadow of death, totally on your own? Your human friends and family can only go so far with you. Then you will have to cross the veil alone, to face what is on the other side. I am so thankful when my husband crosses that veil, he will not be alone, for Christ has promised him, as a believer, to never leave nor forsake him. And when he reaches the other side, he will experience total healing. That is my comfort.