What It Means To Me

Thursday we went to see the specialist at UNC Cancer Hospital. We liked the doctor a lot. He was very warm and very frank. I feel that is how a doctor should be. I think we all knew, even before we went, what the outcome would be. My husband is not a candidate for any procedure. The doctor said his liver is very sick. He also told us that the liver disease is most likely a result of my husband's diabetes and there is current research on this because of the high rate of non-alcohol, diabetic patients with liver cancer. He even stressed the cancer is not the primary concern. He said if my husband can tolerate the pill chemo & if it is successful, it will only give him three more months added to what we were originally told. (That's less one month that has already passed while more tests were done and waiting to see the specialist.)

So strange when you think about three more months. When you are 15 & waiting to get your driver's license, three more months is forever. When you have been without a job for a year, three more months of income is like a dream. When you are awaiting the arrival of your first child, three more months is a time filled with anticipation.  So what would three more months in the life of my husband mean to me? Three more months of listening to his truck coming into the driveway. Three more months of seeing him with our children and grandchildren. Three more months of all the silly things he does to make me laugh (and believe me, there are lots of those). Three more months to sit beside me on the left-fourth-pew-from-the-front at church. I could probably go on forever listing things. What would three more months mean? Everything!

So if God grants us these additional months, I will be so thankful. If He doesn't, I will be thankful for the time we do have. I know whatever God's plan, it will be what's best for my husband. I know that because God promises to work all things together for good for those who love Him. And my husband loves Him.

Emotional Week

It's been an emotional week for me. I have been up and down. I guess this is to be expected. It seems so strange to look at my husband and not see the strength that I'm so use to seeing. I mean the physical strength. I know how frustrating that is for him. He had been asked to build the stage for our Christmas Cantata/Drama at church, as he does each year. He wants to do it. The desire is there, but I'm not sure the physical ability will be. I don't think people understand how hard it is to have to give up something you've done for years because you are no longer able to physically do it. My husband is a "behind the scenes" person. What he does, he does without fanfare. He wants no praise. He considers it his ministry for the Lord and our church. I'm praying that God will give him the strength to at least help get things ready this year.

This week we will go to UNC Medical Center, Chapel Hill, NC to see a specialist. This consultation will determine if he is a candidate for a procedure that might destroy some of the tumors in his liver. If he is, then he must make the decision whether he will take the risk of the procedure or return to our hometown and receive pill chemotherapy. There is a possibility he will have to have these treatments even if he has the procedure.

So my mind is going in a hundred directions. Only God is holding me together. I know that His ways are higher than mine. His love for me & for my husband is giving me assurance that no matter which treatment will be the ultimate one, it will be His will. His will! His glory!! I know so many wonder how all this can be for His glory, but it is. We may not see it today, but we will. I have prayed so many times that whatever it took, even my life, to get the attention of my loved ones & bring them back to God, I was willing to give. I never considered I might have to give my husband. I would gladly take his place. As in my previous post, it was not what I expected.

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed: for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10 KJV