Here I am at 2:41 a.m. Attended our midweek service tonight - well, actually last night - and it was so good to get back to the prayer service. Then when it was time to turn out the lights and go to sleep, I wasn't able to. My heart was so heavy from the empty pillow next to me. So it was a time of letting the tears flow, not that I hadn't already shed a lot, and crying out to my God. And then He sent the storm!
I have always loved thunderstorms. As a little girl, and even as a teen, when we would have a thunderstorm my mother would have my brother & I sit on the couch and be quiet. She said the storm was "God's work" and we should be quiet during that time. (Course she also told us some funny old wives tales she had been told, like the thunder was the devil beating his wife with the frying pan. That made us laugh.) But she always brought us back to the seriousness of respecting God's work through nature. That always carried over with me. I love the thunder, the pouring rain, the soft shower, and even the lightning. I do admit that sometimes the lightning gets a little too close for comfort, but I can't say that I am really frightened by it. So tonight the storm came at the peak of my grief. As the rain fell upon the roof, I could feel His peace settle over my soul. Isn't our God amazing? He knows exactly what to send us at exactly the right moment. I knew I needed to share that with my friends. Maybe someone else is so burdened that they feel it is more than they can bear. Maybe someone is afraid of the storm that rages in their life. Right now I am praying that God's peace will spread over you as it has over me. I don't know who you are, but I know someone will read this and know that God meant it just for you. He is teaching us that He is sufficient for all our needs. Put your trust in the God who controls the storms. He will not let you down.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Praising Through the Grief
The night before my husband died, my children and I met with our pastor to discuss the service we wanted as I knew time was short. Our pastor handled that so beautifully and made it so much easier for my children. Although my husband died on the 24th, we held the service till the 30th to give any of his out-of-state family who could come time to get here.
I have never been in a memorial service like this. Not because it was for my husband, although that is certainly true. This service was unique. The support from family, friends, church family, coworkers of my children, my former coworkers and employers, and my husband's former coworkers was truly overwhelming. We were so touched by the outpouring of love. The men I chose to speak were men who loved and respected my husband. My husband also loved and respected them - our former pastor for almost 22 years, one of our dear friends, a current deacon who has helped us tremendously in recent days, our current assistant pastor, and our current pastor. Each man had something unique only to them to say about my husband and yet it was so obvious they all knew him so well.
The songs chosen by my youngest daughter to be played, Go Rest High on that Mountain,http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=WtmAVGPEPSI&list=PL71E1745B07382D23
and Daddy's Hands, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mF_fli5SmbY&feature=player_detailpage
and the You-Tube version of the newer Jesus Saves suggested by our pastor because it was one of my husband's favorites http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=RwZqhx8eSN4, could not have been more appropriate. I must say that I became most emotional during the song, Jesus Saves, and I had to lift my hands in praise to the God of all creation. The list of some of the memories each of our children had of their dad read by the pastor brought laughter & some tears.
and Daddy's Hands, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mF_fli5SmbY&feature=player_detailpage
and the You-Tube version of the newer Jesus Saves suggested by our pastor because it was one of my husband's favorites http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=RwZqhx8eSN4, could not have been more appropriate. I must say that I became most emotional during the song, Jesus Saves, and I had to lift my hands in praise to the God of all creation. The list of some of the memories each of our children had of their dad read by the pastor brought laughter & some tears.
The items we chose to go on the memorial table also told so much about this man I loved. The red, white & blue flower arrangement & the American flag because he was a loyal American and "once a Marine always a Marine". The little statues my children had given their daddy one Father's Day - the father & little daughter hugging, from my oldest daughter; the large hand holding the tiny hand, from my youngest daughter; the father in his baseball cap with his arms around his son as he shows him how to hold the baseball bat, from, of course, my son.
The book The Little Lost Lamb and a little stuffed lamb held a dual meaning for my son in memories of his dad. The appreciation plaque the church presented my husband for his diligence in keeping an eye on how things were being done when our new sanctuary & fellowship hall were built.
The "Attaboy" plaque presented to him by the Tuesday Night Men's Bible Study for all the behind the scene things he did.
These sound like simple things don't they? He was a simple man who sought no recognition from this world, though he earned it. If he was your friend, he was your friend for life. He may not always agree with you, and he usually told you, but he never held it against you. He loved his God, his family, his church, and his friends.
I chose to have his service closed with a congregational praise song, another of my husband's favorites, Days of Elijah. I wanted everyone to understand that my heart was praising God, too. Not face to face yet, but still praising. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HDJ3xyvjMU&feature=player_detailpage
Today we held his graveside service. Just as we arrived at the memorial park, it began to pour rain. Dutifully the little band of very young Marines exited their bus and stood at attention. We had them do their honors first although they would have stood there the entire time. The sound of the gun salute and taps has never been more stirring. I hope that young Marine who presented the flag to me could see in my eyes how much I love every one of them. I believe he knew. I asked him to thank them for me and as he saluted me, with our eyes locked, I whispered, "God bless you". Thank God we still have young men like those. My oldest grandson will soon join the ranks of very young Marines.
I know there will be some difficult days to come. I miss Al so much already. I know when my time comes he will be waiting saying, "Here she comes." So I choose to praise through the grief. I hope you can, as well.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Secure
A totally sleepless night! I have actually just been watching my husband for hours. It is shocking how his disease has progressed in just a week. I watch his breathing. I watch the movements of his hands as he works or points according to the dreamworld he is in. I listen to him telling me about something that has happened, but not in this reality. And I tell him over and over that I love him. It doesn't matter if he is awake or asleep. I have to tell him.
On Friday he had his first fall. It was in the house & he was able to get himself up using the sofa for support. Just a simple skinned knee. On Sunday he decided he would go to the store to his "coffee club". I was very uncomfortable with him going & as I always do I asked God to keep him safe. Less than an hour after he left I got a call from a young man telling me my husband had been in an accident. His truck was in a culvert only 2 houses from ours. However, it was in front of an empty house so no one heard when it happened. Because of the angle of his truck, when he opened his door, he fell into cold muddy water. The young man called today to see how my husband was. I had inadvertently deleted his # from my caller ID, so I was very glad he called & I was able to thank him for his help. He said he & a friend were going to go fishing. They passed the truck & about 15 minutes later they came back by. He said he told his friend to stop so he could see if anyone was still inside. He was able to get my husband up out of the muddy water. So we know he was there at least 15 minutes. What must have gone through his mind as he lay in that cold water, unable to get himself up. It breaks my heart to think about it. After a hot shower, clean clothes, talk with the Highway Patrol trooper, we had a trip to the ER. CT of head & neck showed nothing of concern. So a few more abrasions. No more driving for him. Today he wanted to sit on the front porch for a little while. When he was ready to go in, the phone was ringing so I went ahead. Before I even reached the phone I heard him fall. He had fallen backwards off our porch with his head facing down the steps. Even though my husband has lost about 60 lbs, he is more than I can lift. Cars were passing by & no one seemed to notice. Finally I got his head up & braced my back against his shoulders. I worked him up to where my back was against his & he was in a sitting position. There were some men leaving work at a lawn service across the street. After several minutes of yelling, one looked at me & I asked them to please help me. One of the men drove his van across the street & helped me get my husband up & back in the house. So we've been granted 2 good Samaritans in 2 days. There is still hope for our world. There are many caring people still out there. I was told by the on-call hospice representative that I must stay with him at all times. I explained that even if I had been right there when he fell, he would have only taken me down with him. I know God has been there to break his falls for he has not sustained any serious injury. But I also know that a wheelchair is definitely needed, so I will try to get that started tomorrow. A friend from church had already donated a ramp & some of the men from church will install that for us. I thought the wheelchair would come much later, but I see that God's timing is not what I had wished for. It hurts to know the time is nearing when I will have to let him go. It hurts to see the pain my children are going through.
With all the pain, the disappointment, and the loneliness that comes with this journey, I know that I have a heavenly Father who loves us. Do I understand why this is happening? No, I don't. Will I see the reason one day? Maybe not on this earth. Am I secure that God is in control? With all my soul.
On Friday he had his first fall. It was in the house & he was able to get himself up using the sofa for support. Just a simple skinned knee. On Sunday he decided he would go to the store to his "coffee club". I was very uncomfortable with him going & as I always do I asked God to keep him safe. Less than an hour after he left I got a call from a young man telling me my husband had been in an accident. His truck was in a culvert only 2 houses from ours. However, it was in front of an empty house so no one heard when it happened. Because of the angle of his truck, when he opened his door, he fell into cold muddy water. The young man called today to see how my husband was. I had inadvertently deleted his # from my caller ID, so I was very glad he called & I was able to thank him for his help. He said he & a friend were going to go fishing. They passed the truck & about 15 minutes later they came back by. He said he told his friend to stop so he could see if anyone was still inside. He was able to get my husband up out of the muddy water. So we know he was there at least 15 minutes. What must have gone through his mind as he lay in that cold water, unable to get himself up. It breaks my heart to think about it. After a hot shower, clean clothes, talk with the Highway Patrol trooper, we had a trip to the ER. CT of head & neck showed nothing of concern. So a few more abrasions. No more driving for him. Today he wanted to sit on the front porch for a little while. When he was ready to go in, the phone was ringing so I went ahead. Before I even reached the phone I heard him fall. He had fallen backwards off our porch with his head facing down the steps. Even though my husband has lost about 60 lbs, he is more than I can lift. Cars were passing by & no one seemed to notice. Finally I got his head up & braced my back against his shoulders. I worked him up to where my back was against his & he was in a sitting position. There were some men leaving work at a lawn service across the street. After several minutes of yelling, one looked at me & I asked them to please help me. One of the men drove his van across the street & helped me get my husband up & back in the house. So we've been granted 2 good Samaritans in 2 days. There is still hope for our world. There are many caring people still out there. I was told by the on-call hospice representative that I must stay with him at all times. I explained that even if I had been right there when he fell, he would have only taken me down with him. I know God has been there to break his falls for he has not sustained any serious injury. But I also know that a wheelchair is definitely needed, so I will try to get that started tomorrow. A friend from church had already donated a ramp & some of the men from church will install that for us. I thought the wheelchair would come much later, but I see that God's timing is not what I had wished for. It hurts to know the time is nearing when I will have to let him go. It hurts to see the pain my children are going through.
With all the pain, the disappointment, and the loneliness that comes with this journey, I know that I have a heavenly Father who loves us. Do I understand why this is happening? No, I don't. Will I see the reason one day? Maybe not on this earth. Am I secure that God is in control? With all my soul.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Who Will Hold You?
It's been some time since I posted on my blog. There has been so much going on.
My husband was in the hospital with a bacterial infection. Thankfully, it was quickly taken care of with antibiotic & he was back home by the 4th day. He is now quite tired. A few times a week he ventures to the store nearby to meet with his "coffee club". His pill chemo had been decreased because of his weakness. When he was admitted to the hospital, it was completely stopped. On Monday the oncologist talked with us and said for quality of life he felt it best not to resume the pill chemo. We now have Hospice coming in once a week. In addition to a Hospice nurse that visited, a Hospice social worker also came. We expressed our faith to her and learned that she, too, is a Christian. My husband was able to talk to her about his faith and reliance on God. How thankful we are that someone is coming who understands and is a sister in Christ. God does supply our needs.
As the doctor has told us we could expect "weeks to a handful of months", we find that emotions are running high. Reaching this point has brought the realization that time with my husband is truly short. It has also brought that realization to our children and grandchildren. I find that tears flow quite easily and quite often.
Our church family and friends, as always, are being very supportive. We discussed with the Hospice social worker that we wondered how people with no relationship with God made it through these times. My husband brought up the poem, Footprints, and how when there was only one set of prints it was when Jesus was carrying us. You can believe me, He is carrying us right now! Without His strength, we could not make this journey gracefully. There are times that I feel His arms holding me up, when I just want to crumble to the floor.
Friends, if you don't have that relationship with Him, who will hold you up when this time comes to you? Some people say that Christians are weak & just need a crutch. OK. I will go along with that. I am weak & I need Christ to lean on. And Praise Him, He is there! So you critics of Christianity, are you really so strong that you can walk this road, this valley of the shadow of death, totally on your own? Your human friends and family can only go so far with you. Then you will have to cross the veil alone, to face what is on the other side. I am so thankful when my husband crosses that veil, he will not be alone, for Christ has promised him, as a believer, to never leave nor forsake him. And when he reaches the other side, he will experience total healing. That is my comfort.
My husband was in the hospital with a bacterial infection. Thankfully, it was quickly taken care of with antibiotic & he was back home by the 4th day. He is now quite tired. A few times a week he ventures to the store nearby to meet with his "coffee club". His pill chemo had been decreased because of his weakness. When he was admitted to the hospital, it was completely stopped. On Monday the oncologist talked with us and said for quality of life he felt it best not to resume the pill chemo. We now have Hospice coming in once a week. In addition to a Hospice nurse that visited, a Hospice social worker also came. We expressed our faith to her and learned that she, too, is a Christian. My husband was able to talk to her about his faith and reliance on God. How thankful we are that someone is coming who understands and is a sister in Christ. God does supply our needs.
As the doctor has told us we could expect "weeks to a handful of months", we find that emotions are running high. Reaching this point has brought the realization that time with my husband is truly short. It has also brought that realization to our children and grandchildren. I find that tears flow quite easily and quite often.
Our church family and friends, as always, are being very supportive. We discussed with the Hospice social worker that we wondered how people with no relationship with God made it through these times. My husband brought up the poem, Footprints, and how when there was only one set of prints it was when Jesus was carrying us. You can believe me, He is carrying us right now! Without His strength, we could not make this journey gracefully. There are times that I feel His arms holding me up, when I just want to crumble to the floor.
Friends, if you don't have that relationship with Him, who will hold you up when this time comes to you? Some people say that Christians are weak & just need a crutch. OK. I will go along with that. I am weak & I need Christ to lean on. And Praise Him, He is there! So you critics of Christianity, are you really so strong that you can walk this road, this valley of the shadow of death, totally on your own? Your human friends and family can only go so far with you. Then you will have to cross the veil alone, to face what is on the other side. I am so thankful when my husband crosses that veil, he will not be alone, for Christ has promised him, as a believer, to never leave nor forsake him. And when he reaches the other side, he will experience total healing. That is my comfort.
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Brethren
In my last post I told how the men of our church had come to our rescue on the repairs of our home. At that time I was planning to start a list of those who had helped. Well, I did that and now have so many names on my list I can no longer be sure it's correct.
For 10 days someone treated us to a stay at Best Western while all our furniture was moved into a pod & the men continued work on the inside of our house. At last count on my list there were 52 people from my church who have done hands-on work. Because we were away much of the time this was going on, I don't know if that number is even greater. (One reason I'm afraid to send individual Thank You notes - for fear of leaving someone out). I keep saying "men", but it wasn't only men. There were women here working as well. Besides the people from my church, there were 10 family members and 3 friends who have helped. One of the most touching contributions came from a total stranger who sent a crew of men to build us new front & back steps.
The ladies of the church had apparently made contributions & the day we moved back in two of those ladies were here to decorate (along with one of their husbands to do the heavier work). They did a fantastic job & all the items they used are beautiful.
The work continues with small things inside left to complete & then work on the outside. Never can we repay the love & sacrifice that has been made for us. It wasn't always easy for us. It's hard to turn things over to someone else and at times we were a little testy and perhaps even seemed ungrateful. Nothing could be further from the truth. We have truly been blessed by the brethren!
For 10 days someone treated us to a stay at Best Western while all our furniture was moved into a pod & the men continued work on the inside of our house. At last count on my list there were 52 people from my church who have done hands-on work. Because we were away much of the time this was going on, I don't know if that number is even greater. (One reason I'm afraid to send individual Thank You notes - for fear of leaving someone out). I keep saying "men", but it wasn't only men. There were women here working as well. Besides the people from my church, there were 10 family members and 3 friends who have helped. One of the most touching contributions came from a total stranger who sent a crew of men to build us new front & back steps.
The ladies of the church had apparently made contributions & the day we moved back in two of those ladies were here to decorate (along with one of their husbands to do the heavier work). They did a fantastic job & all the items they used are beautiful.
The work continues with small things inside left to complete & then work on the outside. Never can we repay the love & sacrifice that has been made for us. It wasn't always easy for us. It's hard to turn things over to someone else and at times we were a little testy and perhaps even seemed ungrateful. Nothing could be further from the truth. We have truly been blessed by the brethren!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Love In Action
As 2012 has arrived, I can't help but wonder what changes it will present in my life. The last two months of 2011 were like none I've ever known.
As my husband continues his pill chemotherapy, now at full dosage, he experiences muscle cramps, but at a lesser and manageable degree. Praise God, he was able to build the extra staging for our church Christmas drama. He was able to attend both nights. He is at church as much as he can manage, which so far has been most services. So I have much to be grateful for as I begin a new year.
Before my husband's illness, we had torn out our kitchen with the intention to repair/remodel it as well as our bathroom. The house is in much need of repair and this was part of my retirement plans. However, we found that he was no longer physically able to continue the work. My son, daughters, sons-in-law, & daughter-in-law took over & worked on their days off. Still the work was daunting. So men from our church have come to our rescue. There is no way we can ever repay the kindness that has been extended to us. I actually have to make a list of the different brothers who have volunteered their time & labor to help us. My friends, this is what brotherly love means. This is what Christ expects from His children. Jesus said, "By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." John 13:35 KJV. I have seen this in action. My husband has always been a proud man, not only refusing help for himself, but directing it to others in need. He will not even use the motorized transportation in the stores, even though he tires very easily, because he says someone may need it more. It has not been easy for him to let go. It's also been difficult for me, even though I will always be eternally grateful. We are just not use to being on the receiving end. But God has a way of putting you in the position He can most use you. In our case that would be the position of humility.
I pray that each of you have a church family like ours. If you do, you are truly blessed. If you don't, then let it start with you. You can look around & see someone in need. It may not be to the extent ours has been, but there is always someone who needs a helping hand. Ask God to lay that someone on your heart. Then love them through Christ. It may require you to roll up your sleeves & do some hard labor, but your blessings will be many. Jesus said in Mark 12:29-31 KJV "The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one Lord.: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like namely this, thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these."
As my husband continues his pill chemotherapy, now at full dosage, he experiences muscle cramps, but at a lesser and manageable degree. Praise God, he was able to build the extra staging for our church Christmas drama. He was able to attend both nights. He is at church as much as he can manage, which so far has been most services. So I have much to be grateful for as I begin a new year.
Before my husband's illness, we had torn out our kitchen with the intention to repair/remodel it as well as our bathroom. The house is in much need of repair and this was part of my retirement plans. However, we found that he was no longer physically able to continue the work. My son, daughters, sons-in-law, & daughter-in-law took over & worked on their days off. Still the work was daunting. So men from our church have come to our rescue. There is no way we can ever repay the kindness that has been extended to us. I actually have to make a list of the different brothers who have volunteered their time & labor to help us. My friends, this is what brotherly love means. This is what Christ expects from His children. Jesus said, "By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." John 13:35 KJV. I have seen this in action. My husband has always been a proud man, not only refusing help for himself, but directing it to others in need. He will not even use the motorized transportation in the stores, even though he tires very easily, because he says someone may need it more. It has not been easy for him to let go. It's also been difficult for me, even though I will always be eternally grateful. We are just not use to being on the receiving end. But God has a way of putting you in the position He can most use you. In our case that would be the position of humility.
I pray that each of you have a church family like ours. If you do, you are truly blessed. If you don't, then let it start with you. You can look around & see someone in need. It may not be to the extent ours has been, but there is always someone who needs a helping hand. Ask God to lay that someone on your heart. Then love them through Christ. It may require you to roll up your sleeves & do some hard labor, but your blessings will be many. Jesus said in Mark 12:29-31 KJV "The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one Lord.: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like namely this, thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these."
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Precious Life
My husband, Al, began the chemo pills, two tablets two times a day. Three days later he began having severe muscle & joint pain. This happened on a Sunday, so I had to call the on-call oncologist. He instructed me to stop the chemo pills & come to the ER if needed. Otherwise, we were to go to the office the next day for blood work. My husband's oncologist was surprised at the side effects as they are very rare. Al has had none of the common side effects of the medication. After getting the results of the blood work, Al started back on the pills, but at half the dose - one pill two times a day. Today was his return appointment and he is now taking a dosage of two in the morning & one in the evening. If he has no recurrence of the pain in the next two weeks, he will go back to full dosage.
When Al was diagnosed with liver cancer I was half-way through a Bible study called One Minute After You Die by Erwin Lutzer. Of course, it was difficult to take these classes while waiting for my husband's diagnosis and I had not told anyone about what was suspected. Finally, I found I was just unable to complete the class after the diagnosis. However, I did complete the study at home. I found it interesting at the different reactions from class members regarding facing death. Should a Christian have only joy at the prospect of dying? We know that great things await us when we cross the veil between this world and the next. It does bring an anticipation, but God created us in such a way that life is something we fight for. When we are sick, we seek the help of a physician. When we have a serious illness, we not only turn to the our doctor, but in supplication to the Great Physician. Statements that they can hardly wait and have no apprehension towards death, make me believe there is a lack of honesty or either they are completely oblivious of things to come. If one has hypertension, they take blood pressure medication. One so ready to leave this world could speed the process by discontinuing any medications that are meant to prolong life, such as heart medication, blood pressure medication, insulin, etc. My point is, we all do what we can to live as long as possible. That does not mean we are not saved or dedicated servants of the Lord. It means we have an appreciation for the life we were given.
I know without a doubt when it comes my or my husband's time to die, that God will give us the strength to endure & remain stedfast in our trust in Him. He is sovereign. Hallelujah!!
When Al was diagnosed with liver cancer I was half-way through a Bible study called One Minute After You Die by Erwin Lutzer. Of course, it was difficult to take these classes while waiting for my husband's diagnosis and I had not told anyone about what was suspected. Finally, I found I was just unable to complete the class after the diagnosis. However, I did complete the study at home. I found it interesting at the different reactions from class members regarding facing death. Should a Christian have only joy at the prospect of dying? We know that great things await us when we cross the veil between this world and the next. It does bring an anticipation, but God created us in such a way that life is something we fight for. When we are sick, we seek the help of a physician. When we have a serious illness, we not only turn to the our doctor, but in supplication to the Great Physician. Statements that they can hardly wait and have no apprehension towards death, make me believe there is a lack of honesty or either they are completely oblivious of things to come. If one has hypertension, they take blood pressure medication. One so ready to leave this world could speed the process by discontinuing any medications that are meant to prolong life, such as heart medication, blood pressure medication, insulin, etc. My point is, we all do what we can to live as long as possible. That does not mean we are not saved or dedicated servants of the Lord. It means we have an appreciation for the life we were given.
I know without a doubt when it comes my or my husband's time to die, that God will give us the strength to endure & remain stedfast in our trust in Him. He is sovereign. Hallelujah!!
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