As 2012 has arrived, I can't help but wonder what changes it will present in my life. The last two months of 2011 were like none I've ever known.
As my husband continues his pill chemotherapy, now at full dosage, he experiences muscle cramps, but at a lesser and manageable degree. Praise God, he was able to build the extra staging for our church Christmas drama. He was able to attend both nights. He is at church as much as he can manage, which so far has been most services. So I have much to be grateful for as I begin a new year.
Before my husband's illness, we had torn out our kitchen with the intention to repair/remodel it as well as our bathroom. The house is in much need of repair and this was part of my retirement plans. However, we found that he was no longer physically able to continue the work. My son, daughters, sons-in-law, & daughter-in-law took over & worked on their days off. Still the work was daunting. So men from our church have come to our rescue. There is no way we can ever repay the kindness that has been extended to us. I actually have to make a list of the different brothers who have volunteered their time & labor to help us. My friends, this is what brotherly love means. This is what Christ expects from His children. Jesus said, "By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." John 13:35 KJV. I have seen this in action. My husband has always been a proud man, not only refusing help for himself, but directing it to others in need. He will not even use the motorized transportation in the stores, even though he tires very easily, because he says someone may need it more. It has not been easy for him to let go. It's also been difficult for me, even though I will always be eternally grateful. We are just not use to being on the receiving end. But God has a way of putting you in the position He can most use you. In our case that would be the position of humility.
I pray that each of you have a church family like ours. If you do, you are truly blessed. If you don't, then let it start with you. You can look around & see someone in need. It may not be to the extent ours has been, but there is always someone who needs a helping hand. Ask God to lay that someone on your heart. Then love them through Christ. It may require you to roll up your sleeves & do some hard labor, but your blessings will be many. Jesus said in Mark 12:29-31 KJV "The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one Lord.: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like namely this, thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these."
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Precious Life
My husband, Al, began the chemo pills, two tablets two times a day. Three days later he began having severe muscle & joint pain. This happened on a Sunday, so I had to call the on-call oncologist. He instructed me to stop the chemo pills & come to the ER if needed. Otherwise, we were to go to the office the next day for blood work. My husband's oncologist was surprised at the side effects as they are very rare. Al has had none of the common side effects of the medication. After getting the results of the blood work, Al started back on the pills, but at half the dose - one pill two times a day. Today was his return appointment and he is now taking a dosage of two in the morning & one in the evening. If he has no recurrence of the pain in the next two weeks, he will go back to full dosage.
When Al was diagnosed with liver cancer I was half-way through a Bible study called One Minute After You Die by Erwin Lutzer. Of course, it was difficult to take these classes while waiting for my husband's diagnosis and I had not told anyone about what was suspected. Finally, I found I was just unable to complete the class after the diagnosis. However, I did complete the study at home. I found it interesting at the different reactions from class members regarding facing death. Should a Christian have only joy at the prospect of dying? We know that great things await us when we cross the veil between this world and the next. It does bring an anticipation, but God created us in such a way that life is something we fight for. When we are sick, we seek the help of a physician. When we have a serious illness, we not only turn to the our doctor, but in supplication to the Great Physician. Statements that they can hardly wait and have no apprehension towards death, make me believe there is a lack of honesty or either they are completely oblivious of things to come. If one has hypertension, they take blood pressure medication. One so ready to leave this world could speed the process by discontinuing any medications that are meant to prolong life, such as heart medication, blood pressure medication, insulin, etc. My point is, we all do what we can to live as long as possible. That does not mean we are not saved or dedicated servants of the Lord. It means we have an appreciation for the life we were given.
I know without a doubt when it comes my or my husband's time to die, that God will give us the strength to endure & remain stedfast in our trust in Him. He is sovereign. Hallelujah!!
When Al was diagnosed with liver cancer I was half-way through a Bible study called One Minute After You Die by Erwin Lutzer. Of course, it was difficult to take these classes while waiting for my husband's diagnosis and I had not told anyone about what was suspected. Finally, I found I was just unable to complete the class after the diagnosis. However, I did complete the study at home. I found it interesting at the different reactions from class members regarding facing death. Should a Christian have only joy at the prospect of dying? We know that great things await us when we cross the veil between this world and the next. It does bring an anticipation, but God created us in such a way that life is something we fight for. When we are sick, we seek the help of a physician. When we have a serious illness, we not only turn to the our doctor, but in supplication to the Great Physician. Statements that they can hardly wait and have no apprehension towards death, make me believe there is a lack of honesty or either they are completely oblivious of things to come. If one has hypertension, they take blood pressure medication. One so ready to leave this world could speed the process by discontinuing any medications that are meant to prolong life, such as heart medication, blood pressure medication, insulin, etc. My point is, we all do what we can to live as long as possible. That does not mean we are not saved or dedicated servants of the Lord. It means we have an appreciation for the life we were given.
I know without a doubt when it comes my or my husband's time to die, that God will give us the strength to endure & remain stedfast in our trust in Him. He is sovereign. Hallelujah!!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Continued Blessings
I am so thankful that I serve a God who truly loves me. When times are hard and I just want to crumble, He is there to hold me together.
My husband is beginning to struggle with nausea from his disease. In the 43 years we have been married, he has probably been sick from nausea and what goes along with it no more than half a dozen times, if that many. So this is something he is not use to and it is very upsetting to him. It has even delayed the start of his pill chemotherapy.
That brings me to another blessing we have received. We have good insurance and normally our prescriptions are very reasonable if not almost free. However, the chemotherapy drugs are a whole different breed of medication. I had expected we would have to pay a much larger amount than we were accustomed to paying. However, I surely wasn't prepared for what I heard from the young lady who called to give us the amount we would be responsible for. The pills cost over $8,000 for a 30 day supply. After our insurance pays, we have a co-payment of $2,258. every 30 days. Perhaps there are those who would be able to pay that with no hesitation. We are not in that group. In fact I literally broke down. The young lady was so kind and told me there are sources available to help us with this. She gave me the telephone number for the Chronic Illness Fund and instructed me to call her back after speaking with them. I immediately called. Through my brokenness I gave this young lady all the information she asked for. She then told me that he will qualify for temporary assistance for the first prescription and after we complete the required forms, he should be covered for the subsequent prescriptions. I asked how much we would now have to pay & she replied $10.00. Yes, TEN DOLLARS. What a blessing!!! God supplies our every need. I did not say our every want, but our every need. As our Lord does so many times, He waits till the need is almost a desperation. I hope you don't think that is cruel, for He is never cruel to His children. If our co-payment had been $100.00 we would have said "Ouch" and then paid it. This time we had no resource of our own to meet this need. But God did. As I was inwardly crying out to Him, He already had it under control. I am so thankful for the Chronic Illness Fund. Maybe you think the funds were available and it had nothing to do with God. Then you would be sadly mistaken, my friend. No trial or event in the life of a child of God is a coincidence. There is a purpose. To use a quote I've heard and take no credit for myself, "For when we are at our lowest, He is at His highest". I see His hand in every thing we are going through, even my husband's nausea and sickness that follows. We will all face things we are not prepared to handle ourselves. It is at those times in our lives, that we learn the greatest lesson. We must depend on Jesus.
"Praise God, From Whom All Blessings Flow"....... Thomas Ken
My husband is beginning to struggle with nausea from his disease. In the 43 years we have been married, he has probably been sick from nausea and what goes along with it no more than half a dozen times, if that many. So this is something he is not use to and it is very upsetting to him. It has even delayed the start of his pill chemotherapy.
That brings me to another blessing we have received. We have good insurance and normally our prescriptions are very reasonable if not almost free. However, the chemotherapy drugs are a whole different breed of medication. I had expected we would have to pay a much larger amount than we were accustomed to paying. However, I surely wasn't prepared for what I heard from the young lady who called to give us the amount we would be responsible for. The pills cost over $8,000 for a 30 day supply. After our insurance pays, we have a co-payment of $2,258. every 30 days. Perhaps there are those who would be able to pay that with no hesitation. We are not in that group. In fact I literally broke down. The young lady was so kind and told me there are sources available to help us with this. She gave me the telephone number for the Chronic Illness Fund and instructed me to call her back after speaking with them. I immediately called. Through my brokenness I gave this young lady all the information she asked for. She then told me that he will qualify for temporary assistance for the first prescription and after we complete the required forms, he should be covered for the subsequent prescriptions. I asked how much we would now have to pay & she replied $10.00. Yes, TEN DOLLARS. What a blessing!!! God supplies our every need. I did not say our every want, but our every need. As our Lord does so many times, He waits till the need is almost a desperation. I hope you don't think that is cruel, for He is never cruel to His children. If our co-payment had been $100.00 we would have said "Ouch" and then paid it. This time we had no resource of our own to meet this need. But God did. As I was inwardly crying out to Him, He already had it under control. I am so thankful for the Chronic Illness Fund. Maybe you think the funds were available and it had nothing to do with God. Then you would be sadly mistaken, my friend. No trial or event in the life of a child of God is a coincidence. There is a purpose. To use a quote I've heard and take no credit for myself, "For when we are at our lowest, He is at His highest". I see His hand in every thing we are going through, even my husband's nausea and sickness that follows. We will all face things we are not prepared to handle ourselves. It is at those times in our lives, that we learn the greatest lesson. We must depend on Jesus.
"Praise God, From Whom All Blessings Flow"....... Thomas Ken
Saturday, November 19, 2011
What It Means To Me
Thursday we went to see the specialist at UNC Cancer Hospital. We liked the doctor a lot. He was very warm and very frank. I feel that is how a doctor should be. I think we all knew, even before we went, what the outcome would be. My husband is not a candidate for any procedure. The doctor said his liver is very sick. He also told us that the liver disease is most likely a result of my husband's diabetes and there is current research on this because of the high rate of non-alcohol, diabetic patients with liver cancer. He even stressed the cancer is not the primary concern. He said if my husband can tolerate the pill chemo & if it is successful, it will only give him three more months added to what we were originally told. (That's less one month that has already passed while more tests were done and waiting to see the specialist.)
So strange when you think about three more months. When you are 15 & waiting to get your driver's license, three more months is forever. When you have been without a job for a year, three more months of income is like a dream. When you are awaiting the arrival of your first child, three more months is a time filled with anticipation. So what would three more months in the life of my husband mean to me? Three more months of listening to his truck coming into the driveway. Three more months of seeing him with our children and grandchildren. Three more months of all the silly things he does to make me laugh (and believe me, there are lots of those). Three more months to sit beside me on the left-fourth-pew-from-the-front at church. I could probably go on forever listing things. What would three more months mean? Everything!
So if God grants us these additional months, I will be so thankful. If He doesn't, I will be thankful for the time we do have. I know whatever God's plan, it will be what's best for my husband. I know that because God promises to work all things together for good for those who love Him. And my husband loves Him.
So strange when you think about three more months. When you are 15 & waiting to get your driver's license, three more months is forever. When you have been without a job for a year, three more months of income is like a dream. When you are awaiting the arrival of your first child, three more months is a time filled with anticipation. So what would three more months in the life of my husband mean to me? Three more months of listening to his truck coming into the driveway. Three more months of seeing him with our children and grandchildren. Three more months of all the silly things he does to make me laugh (and believe me, there are lots of those). Three more months to sit beside me on the left-fourth-pew-from-the-front at church. I could probably go on forever listing things. What would three more months mean? Everything!
So if God grants us these additional months, I will be so thankful. If He doesn't, I will be thankful for the time we do have. I know whatever God's plan, it will be what's best for my husband. I know that because God promises to work all things together for good for those who love Him. And my husband loves Him.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Emotional Week
It's been an emotional week for me. I have been up and down. I guess this is to be expected. It seems so strange to look at my husband and not see the strength that I'm so use to seeing. I mean the physical strength. I know how frustrating that is for him. He had been asked to build the stage for our Christmas Cantata/Drama at church, as he does each year. He wants to do it. The desire is there, but I'm not sure the physical ability will be. I don't think people understand how hard it is to have to give up something you've done for years because you are no longer able to physically do it. My husband is a "behind the scenes" person. What he does, he does without fanfare. He wants no praise. He considers it his ministry for the Lord and our church. I'm praying that God will give him the strength to at least help get things ready this year.
This week we will go to UNC Medical Center, Chapel Hill, NC to see a specialist. This consultation will determine if he is a candidate for a procedure that might destroy some of the tumors in his liver. If he is, then he must make the decision whether he will take the risk of the procedure or return to our hometown and receive pill chemotherapy. There is a possibility he will have to have these treatments even if he has the procedure.
So my mind is going in a hundred directions. Only God is holding me together. I know that His ways are higher than mine. His love for me & for my husband is giving me assurance that no matter which treatment will be the ultimate one, it will be His will. His will! His glory!! I know so many wonder how all this can be for His glory, but it is. We may not see it today, but we will. I have prayed so many times that whatever it took, even my life, to get the attention of my loved ones & bring them back to God, I was willing to give. I never considered I might have to give my husband. I would gladly take his place. As in my previous post, it was not what I expected.
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed: for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10 KJV
This week we will go to UNC Medical Center, Chapel Hill, NC to see a specialist. This consultation will determine if he is a candidate for a procedure that might destroy some of the tumors in his liver. If he is, then he must make the decision whether he will take the risk of the procedure or return to our hometown and receive pill chemotherapy. There is a possibility he will have to have these treatments even if he has the procedure.
So my mind is going in a hundred directions. Only God is holding me together. I know that His ways are higher than mine. His love for me & for my husband is giving me assurance that no matter which treatment will be the ultimate one, it will be His will. His will! His glory!! I know so many wonder how all this can be for His glory, but it is. We may not see it today, but we will. I have prayed so many times that whatever it took, even my life, to get the attention of my loved ones & bring them back to God, I was willing to give. I never considered I might have to give my husband. I would gladly take his place. As in my previous post, it was not what I expected.
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed: for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10 KJV
Monday, October 31, 2011
Not What I Expected, But God's Timing
My title is very much an understatement. Oct 28, 2011 I retired from a surgical practice after 24 years. That in itself made it an emotional day. When you spend 8 hours a day, five days a week with a group of ladies & doctors, you become a family. At least, you do if you were blessed, as I was, to work with and for great people. You leave part of your heart there. I had given a four week notice to give them time to decide how my duties would be carried on & by whom. The excitement and anticipation of being able to be home, spend more time with my husband (who is already retired), get some much needed exercise, and have time to do more for the Lord & my church was growing. Then it happened. What I had never expected.
Two weeks before my retirement, my husband began to have some health issues. Our medical doctor is very persistent and tests were ordered, results questioned, and more tests performed. Less than one hour after my goodbyes to my work family, the most precious person in my life was diagnosed with inoperable hepatocellular carcinoma (liver cancer). If you are ever diagnosed with fatty infiltration of the liver & are told to lose weight, LOSE WEIGHT. The consequences of not taking it seriously can be deadly. There was also a question if the cause was toxic as my husband worked with different chemicals for many years at his employment. So now my retirement takes on an entirely different focus. Of course there are more tests to check other organs of the body. Then there will be the decision of what treatment he will undergo and where. And there was the question he asked first, "How long?" We have the doctor's estimate, but we know it is all up to God.
Our God is truly amazing. He knew when I decided (or at least I thought I was the one deciding) it was time to leave a job I loved, that I would have much more important things to do. He knew I would need every second possible to spend with the man I've been married to for over 43 years. He knew that my husband would need me far more than any employer ever could. God's timing. Although my heart is breaking at the thought of losing the man I love, I have to accept that God is in complete control of our lives, and even now He could choose to heal him completely. I do believe that God still heals. But no matter the outcome, I know that Jesus will give us the strength we need to get through whatever might come.
A precious friend who has been through chemotherapy & irradiation for lymphoma told me that before she went for each visit, procedure, infusion/treatment, she repeated Psalm 71:16 "I go in the strength of the Lord God...." I shared that with my husband. I hope it comforts him. It has already conforted me.
So to answer the most asked question after one retires - "Is retirement what you expected?" - the answer is an emphatic NO. It's not what I expected, but it's God's timing.
Two weeks before my retirement, my husband began to have some health issues. Our medical doctor is very persistent and tests were ordered, results questioned, and more tests performed. Less than one hour after my goodbyes to my work family, the most precious person in my life was diagnosed with inoperable hepatocellular carcinoma (liver cancer). If you are ever diagnosed with fatty infiltration of the liver & are told to lose weight, LOSE WEIGHT. The consequences of not taking it seriously can be deadly. There was also a question if the cause was toxic as my husband worked with different chemicals for many years at his employment. So now my retirement takes on an entirely different focus. Of course there are more tests to check other organs of the body. Then there will be the decision of what treatment he will undergo and where. And there was the question he asked first, "How long?" We have the doctor's estimate, but we know it is all up to God.
Our God is truly amazing. He knew when I decided (or at least I thought I was the one deciding) it was time to leave a job I loved, that I would have much more important things to do. He knew I would need every second possible to spend with the man I've been married to for over 43 years. He knew that my husband would need me far more than any employer ever could. God's timing. Although my heart is breaking at the thought of losing the man I love, I have to accept that God is in complete control of our lives, and even now He could choose to heal him completely. I do believe that God still heals. But no matter the outcome, I know that Jesus will give us the strength we need to get through whatever might come.
A precious friend who has been through chemotherapy & irradiation for lymphoma told me that before she went for each visit, procedure, infusion/treatment, she repeated Psalm 71:16 "I go in the strength of the Lord God...." I shared that with my husband. I hope it comforts him. It has already conforted me.
So to answer the most asked question after one retires - "Is retirement what you expected?" - the answer is an emphatic NO. It's not what I expected, but it's God's timing.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Clinging To God
This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. Can't go in to details at this time. Later I will share.
I know we have all had times in our lives when we just wanted to get alone somewhere, in the middle of nowhere, and cry till we had no tears left, but for one reason or another we couldn't afford ourselves that luxury. You have to trust me that I've had to cling to God for the past few days. We have all seen a little child, whether ours or someone else's, clinging to the legs of his/her mommy or daddy. That's what it's been like for me. Honestly, I can picture me so small with my arms wrapped around His legs, His bare feet showing beneath His robe. There is fear in my eyes, desperation, as I look up to Him for comfort. He looks down at me, and gently touches my hair. I can see the answer to my question in His eyes. I'm not meant to immediately understand the reasons for or timing of some events in my life. He will show me when He feels I'm ready to see. That's really all I need for now. One step at a time, as He holds my hand.
I know we have all had times in our lives when we just wanted to get alone somewhere, in the middle of nowhere, and cry till we had no tears left, but for one reason or another we couldn't afford ourselves that luxury. You have to trust me that I've had to cling to God for the past few days. We have all seen a little child, whether ours or someone else's, clinging to the legs of his/her mommy or daddy. That's what it's been like for me. Honestly, I can picture me so small with my arms wrapped around His legs, His bare feet showing beneath His robe. There is fear in my eyes, desperation, as I look up to Him for comfort. He looks down at me, and gently touches my hair. I can see the answer to my question in His eyes. I'm not meant to immediately understand the reasons for or timing of some events in my life. He will show me when He feels I'm ready to see. That's really all I need for now. One step at a time, as He holds my hand.
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