Better Left Unsaid

Have you ever tried to right a wrong only to compound it? I feel pretty certain we all have. I seem to have a real knack for it.

As Christians we still goof. We are human - bet that comes as a surprise to a lot of people. We have always tried to explain to the world that Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. We say things that hurt others, sometimes not meaning to or even realizing it until the damage has been done. Then we try to fix it! When will we (I) learn that we (I) can't fix anything? We (I) have to let God fix us (me)!

Some people are gifted in verbal communication. Unfortunately I am not one of those. The written word has always been my way of expressing my feelings. The only problem with that is it may not be read in the same tone you wrote it. A perfect example of this happened to a young coworker many many years ago (1969 to be exact). She wrote a very sarcastic letter to her supervisor and fully expected to be fired for it. However, it was read as complimentary and she was even commended for it. My young friend told me she was so embarrassed.

So before you say it, weigh it. Before you send it, read it - from every possible interpretation. Most often you will find it is better left unsaid. If it absolutely has to be said, use only 2 words - forgive me.

Rejections

I find it baffling why we let the smallest rejections ruin our whole day. Count me guilty!

If you have any political opinions, you will encounter people who not only disagree with you but want to argue their point. As a Christian you will always encounter people who disagree with your beliefs and sometimes belittle you because of them. This has happened to me in the past and more recently on both points. Most times I can let these things go. Today has been more difficult. I've been asking myself why is today different? I have no answer. I don't know why. It's not like the offenders were friends, just acquaintances. I think it was such an obvious shun that I was really surprised. Shame on them! I have to admit that it hurt and it did affect my day. Shame on me!

So what do I do? Avoid them? Go back and give them a piece of my mind? Go back and carry on as if nothing happened? At first I decided on the avoid approach, but that would be at the expense of something much more important to me than their approval. Giving them a piece of my mind is not an option (maybe my fleshly preference but definitely not an option). So that leaves only the carry on as if nothing happened.

I have thought a lot about all the rejections Christ faced when He was here on this earth. He had human emotions and it must have hurt Him deeply when time and time again people showed their hatred. How it must grieve Him when even now people reject the gift  He died to give them - salvation. Risen and waiting at the right hand of the Father, He loves and forgives. I have no right to be down about the rudeness of a few so-called intellectuals.

So I will see how next week goes.

The View

This has nothing to do with the TV show The View. This is all about the view from an airplane. Recently I took a trip to San Diego, CA to see my oldest grandson graduate from Marine Corps basic training. This was my second trip by airplane and both were to the west coast. My first trip was 14 years ago to Seattle, WA, followed by a car ride to Oak Harbor to visit the same grandson, his brother, mom & dad. I really enjoy flying. It is always the connections that make me nervous.

This trip we boarded in Raleigh, NC on time & with no problem. However, as everyone settled in the pilot announced that we would have an hour delay because of low visibility in Chicago, where our connecting flight to San Diego was to be. Some people chose to disembark and try other connecting flights. It actually left an empty seat next to me. My daughter & youngest grandson had an empty seat between them. My way to fly! Of course, this meant we would miss our connecting flight. NOOO! Fifty-five minutes later we were off. It was a little bumpy but nothing frightening. The clouds were gorgeous. Of course I am a cloud freak.

I had to remind myself that I wasn't looking at the Antarctic & I couldn't get out & walk no matter how much it looked like ocean, snow, & ice peaks.

As we neared Chicago visibility became pretty low & the landing was a little rough. The pilot announced that we would make our connection & again apologized for the bumpy flight. Make our connection? Just! We literally walked out the gate, crossed the isle, & boarded our next flight. Thank you, Lord! No elbow room now. With the exception of the sites out the window, it was a most uncomfortable flight. As I was in the center seat I did not get to see as much as I would have liked. One of the young men next to me insisted on having the window cover low so he could play on his computer. So I obliged. With my head lowered to see out the small area, I did see some pretty sites and thought about how awesome our God is to have created such beauty. Just couldn't take pictures of them. The young man in the window seat slept from take off till shortly before we reached San Diego. When he did wake up the first thing he did was look out the window & raise the cover. YES!!!! So I was able to get a few not-so-great photos, which for some reason I can't upload here. But I did get a great view of San Diego. It felt like we were just hovering over the city.

It was great to see my grandson and spend some time just enjoying the family together. And of course, graduation day was very moving & I am so proud of him. Even though we didn't see a lot of San Diego itself, what we did see was beautiful. 

The morning we left was sad. We have no idea when we will get to see him again. Because he had moved to Colorado to live his senior high school year with his dad, that is his state of residence as far as the USMC is concerned. He will be stationed on the east coast for a year as he receives more training so hopefully we will see him during that time. As we waited to board the shuttle to take us to the airport where we would board a flight to Dallas-Fort Worth and then back to Raleigh, I took the last picture of our trip. In fact, several people were taking the same photo & still talking about it as we left. A beautiful sunrise. The shuttle driver said they don't see many like that in San Diego. He didn't say why. It was really a reverent attitude. I think you will see why.

So even with the little irritants, it was a great trip. One I will never regret taking. My prayer as we started off on each new flight was that God would surround the pilots & planes with a protective hedge and He did. I hope to make a trip across the pond to England & Scotland in the not too distance future. Can't even imagine the beauty I might see. So I'm enjoying the beauty here, till He calls me to the beauty of heaven.

Window To Heaven

The Sunday morning service began like every other. Jeanette came down from the choir loft & took her seat between two friends. She sat back to enjoy the special music and the preaching of the Word. However, something caught her eye on the upper right wall. Something like a big, white cloud with a clear center. Afterwards she would think how much it reminded her of the bubble where words went in the comics.

She softly gasped at what she was seeing and almost audibly said, "There's Roy." Before her, within the cloud, was her husband. He did not look like the man who had died months earlier. He was the young man she married so many years ago. He was smiling broadly and said, "Here she comes". He turned and looked back at someone standing behind him. The figure was visible only from the waist down and he wore a robe the color of homespun. Then it was gone, replaced by the wall that had been there all along.

Jeanette had no idea what the special music had been and it was impossible to concentrate on the pastor's sermon. She knew she had been given an incredible gift and she was consumed by the joy of it all. Months passed and the vision stayed in her mind and heart. She thought about what Roy had said, "Here she comes". She was neither afraid nor did she feel this was a sign of imminent death. She knew, for some unknown reason, God had slightly opened heaven and allowed her to see the man she would always love.

At her lowest moments, this comforted her. She knew when the time did come for her to cross the veil, Roy would be waiting.

Do You Think It Coincidence?

Three days ago was the first anniversary of my retirement. It was also the first anniversary of my husband's diagnosis of inoperable hepatocellular carcinoma. As you know if you follow my blog, he went home to be with the Lord 5 months later.

I have looked back over events that occurred before October 28, 2011, in some cases years before.  I now see how God was working to prepare me for what I would face. I would like to share some of these with you.

In early summer 2011 I began thinking about a childhood friend. I couldn't seem to get her off my mind. I had not seen or heard from her since the 1980s. I finally went on the alumni sight of the orphanage where she lived for 9 years after her mother died. Unbelievably, there was an article from a local newspaper posted there with her picture. I was able to get her e-mail address & contact her. We corresponded by e-mail through out the next few months. In September, 2011 she asked me to meet her & her sister while they were vacationing at a nearby resort. I was thrilled. During our visit my friend told me she'd had lymphoma and almost died of organ failure. She told me about her oncologist, who at the time of her illness was practicing at NC Cancer Hospital at Chapel Hill. She then said he had relocated to the town I live in. She told me she hoped I never needed an oncologist, but if I did to ask for him. When our doctor called me at work to tell me he was sending Al for a CT & was sure he had cancer, he also told me he was going to refer him to an oncologist. Like so many who have experienced it, when I heard "cancer" everything that followed went right over my head. After coming to my senses, I called back to tell the nurse I had a preference between two oncologists. The second was the oncologist my friend told me about. When the nurse called me with the appointment, it was scheduled with my friend's oncologist. We all loved him. Just as she said, he was so caring but always honest with us. Do you think it coincidence that I couldn't stop thinking about my friend, or that there was a newspaper picture of her on the orphanage's web site, or that she asked me to visit, or that she had been treated by an oncologist who now practiced in our town, or that my husband's appointment would be with him & not my first choice?

As I have posted previously, I gave a month's notice when I decided to retire on October 28, 2011. We didn't find out that my husband had cancer or even that he was ill until 2 weeks before my retirement date. But this wasn't my first choice of when to retire. I had originally planned for January, 2012. By the end of summer 2011, I was just tired and one day looked at the calendar & said, "I'm leaving here the end of October". Do you think it coincidence that I changed the date of my retirement from January 2012 to October 2011, the very day we received my husband's definitive diagnosis?

Several years ago our pastor's wife decided to begin a Sunday School class for ladies. This would be for adult singles, widows, or women whose husbands did not come to church with them. The pastor's wife asked me and a few other women to join the class to help her out. I felt led to do this even though my husband & I were already in a Sunday School class. He had no objection, so I joined the new class and loved it. Do you think it coincidence that my pastor's wife asked me to join a class for only ladies?

In 1991 I stood by the bedside of my mother as she left this world to join her Lord in the next. Mama was heavily medicated and slipped peacefully from us. She died of inoperable lung cancer at the age of 64. In 1993 I stood by the bedside of my father as he had a heart attack and left us to join my mother & his Lord. They barely got Daddy into a room before he was struck with the second heart attack within a few hours, so he was not medicated as my mother had been. Do you think it coincidence that God allowed me to be present for both their deaths?

Let me assure you that none of these events were coincidence. As God knows the day appointed for each of us to die, he began preparing me for my husband's death 20 years prior. I once was quite undecided about Hospice for myself or my husband, but when the need arose for him I had no hesitation. I had already been prepared for what was to come. When my pastor's wife started the Ladies' Sunday School Class, we had no way of knowing that in a few years I would truly become a member by becoming a widow. I tell you with no doubt what so ever that the decision to change my retirement date was impressed upon me by the Holy Spirit. As for the things that occurred with my childhood friend, I don't think they require explanation. They are beyond any explanation other than GOD.

Who Am I

Sometimes I find it absolutely fascinating what goes through the mind while driving. I'm sure we have all been so deep in thought we don't recall how we got so far toward our destination. Oh come on! Sure you have! Not a safe way to drive, but we are all guilty of it. But what about the thought that seemingly comes out of nowhere?

Last week, as I was crossing the bridge on my way home, a question came to my mind. I had not been thinking along those lines and it took me by surprise. I heard myself say, "Who am I?" Then I said, again audibly, "Well that was strange. Where did that come from?" Yet I couldn't push it out of my mind. At 63 I am way past the "I have to find myself" stage. But there it was, rattling around in my brain and demanding my attention. So.....for the first 19 years of my life I was known as the daughter, youngest child, of my parents; sister to my older brother. For the next 43 & 1/2 years I was known as the wife of my husband. Now............??????  Considering this I realized those descriptions will always pertain to me. I decided to look at me from a different perspective. Since the age of 15 years & 8 months I have been a born-again child of the King. Not a perfect person, mind you, but a forgiven one.

Still not confident I had answered the question, it occurred to me that maybe it was not who I am, but who He is. Just as Jesus asked the disciples, "Who do men say that I am?", was He asking who He is to me? I immediately knew this was the question. The answer is so overwhelming it almost defies words. How do I even begin? But I don't believe the question expected a list of all the blessings He has bestowed on me. I believe it was intended to make me spend time contemplating the scope of who He is. We could use every adjective applicable until there was no choice left & never even scratch the surface of who He is. He who has always been. He who is. He who will always be. The Christ.

My New Life

I can't believe it's been 3 months since my last post. I always feel that God has to give me something to say, otherwise, it's pointless to try to write.

To catch everyone up on the past 3 months, I am slowly getting into a routine again. Quite a different routine, but I'm getting there none the less. There have been lots of ups and downs and I know it will be that way for a long time to come, maybe always. If so, I will live with that.

God has blessed me in more ways than I could ever name. Guess that's why they say "Count your blessings instead of sheep". Either you will fall asleep or you'll be awake all night making a list. I have loving children and grandchildren, good friends, and a wonderful church family. Most of all I have a Heavenly Father that is with me every minute of every day. Wow! I hope you can say that, too.

After my husband died, security was a concern for me. I had every intention of buying a hand gun (and I may have), but for some odd reason my children preferred that I get a dog. Actually they told me they were afraid I'd accidently shoot one of them. Hmmmm, can't imagine why they would think that. I love dachsunds and that's what I intended to get. However, in visiting the Pet Finder sight I saw the face of a dog that immediately stole my heart. So I adopted Marcus.

By the way, I did not name him. Maybe he was named for the brave soul, to whom I am eternally grateful, who rescued him from the flood waters of Hurricane Irene. So now I am owned by a 53 lb, German Shepherd mix. No, I didn't make a mistake. Anyone with a dog or dogs, knows they own you. Your life will revolve around their needs and wants. At least until you get a grip on balance. I'm not there yet. haha

My doggie came with some baggage. Namely PTSD when it thunders. Not just the routine trembling or wanting to be near you, but flat out terror. To the point, of trying to force his big self into the opening of the cat litter box, or jumping on top of the washer/dryer or the kitchen counter. Now he has a crate, and mild sedation when needed.

Recently my son & daughter-in-law took a trip to Ireland. While they were away, I kept their boxer/lab mix, Indy. Marcus loves having her here. She is nonstop energy and brings a little mischief. One day I was doing some work at the church, coming home periodically to take them outside, but my last trip up lasted longer than I'd planned. When I returned home, I opened my door to a real surprise. My living room floor was covered with shredded paper, a mutilated book, which I first thought to be my Bible, some chewed items of clothing, and the mail I'd received earlier in the day including my now destroyed Bible Archaeology Review magazine.

I had a complete meltdown. I kept repeating, "What have you done?". I think I was actually expecting an answer. What I got was two dogs looking at me in total bewilderment. I went into my kitchen, cried, & literally screamed until I was hoarse. Good thing my neighbor was at work. I felt so much better afterward. I tell that jokingly, but God uses all kinds of things to get us to the point we need to be. I had held in so much grief and frustration since my husband's death, and the day before my daughter and I had cleaned out his little truck. This was the first time I had allowed myself to release all that. After cleaning up the mess, salvaging my mail, giving the dogs some hugs (after a time out period, of course), and getting some kisses from each one, all was right with the world.

Time Out

However, three days later I got out of bed & entered the livingroom to find Marcus happily chewing up the phone book. I just stared him down and then cleaned up the parts he had ripped off. So far, so good. No more destruction.

The morning after my meltdown, my cousin came to pick up my husband's old truck. It was not nearly as difficult as I had expected it to be. In fact, it has made things much easier not seeing it sitting in the driveway every day.

So I am trying hard to move on and adjust to my life with just my dog & cats. Our ladies at church are doing a wonderful Beth Moore Bible study on the book of Daniel. Our Sunday School class is also doing the Kay Arthur study on the book of Acts. There is much to keep me occupied and I am thankful for that. There is progress being made on the repairs of my house. One day soon, I hope to see that completed. I have lots of projects planned. Hopefully the heat & rain will abate and allow me to actually do some of them.

Thank you to those who have prayed for me and please continue to do so. I hope to be posting a little more frequently. Have to go for now and soon take Marcus to the vet. See! I told you!