Not What I Expected, But God's Timing

My title is very much an understatement. Oct 28, 2011 I retired from a surgical practice after 24 years. That in itself made it an emotional day. When you spend 8 hours a day, five days a week with a group of ladies & doctors, you become a family. At least, you do if you were blessed, as I was, to work with and for great people. You leave part of your heart there. I had given a four week notice to give them time to decide how my duties would be carried on & by whom. The excitement and anticipation of being able to be home, spend more time with my husband (who is already retired), get some much needed exercise, and have time to do more for the Lord & my church was growing. Then it happened. What I had never expected.

Two weeks before my retirement, my husband began to have some health issues. Our medical doctor is very persistent and tests were ordered, results questioned, and more tests performed. Less than one hour after my goodbyes to my work family, the most precious person in my life was diagnosed with inoperable hepatocellular carcinoma (liver cancer). If you are ever diagnosed with fatty infiltration of the liver & are told to lose weight, LOSE WEIGHT. The consequences of not taking it seriously can be deadly. There was also a question if the cause was toxic as my husband worked with different chemicals for many years at his employment. So now my retirement takes on an entirely different focus. Of course there are more tests to check other organs of the body. Then there will be the decision of what treatment he will undergo and where. And there was the question he asked first, "How long?" We have the doctor's estimate, but we know it is all up to God.

Our God is truly amazing. He knew when I decided (or at least I thought I was the one deciding) it was time to leave a job I loved, that I would have much more important things to do. He knew I would need every second possible to spend with the man I've been married to for over 43 years. He knew that my husband would need me far more than any employer ever could. God's timing. Although my heart is breaking at the thought of losing the man I love, I have to accept that God is in complete control of our lives, and even now He could choose to heal him completely. I do believe that God still heals. But no matter the outcome, I know that Jesus will give us the strength we need to get through whatever might come.

A precious friend who has been through chemotherapy & irradiation for lymphoma told me that before she went for each visit, procedure, infusion/treatment, she repeated Psalm 71:16 "I go in the strength of the Lord God...." I shared that with my husband. I hope it comforts him. It has already conforted me.

So to answer the most asked question after one retires - "Is retirement what you expected?" - the answer is an emphatic NO. It's not what I expected, but it's God's timing.

Clinging To God

This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. Can't go in to details at this time. Later I will share.

I know we have all had times in our lives when we just wanted to get alone somewhere, in the middle of nowhere, and cry till we had no tears left, but for one reason or another we couldn't afford ourselves that luxury. You have to trust me that I've had to cling to God for the past few days. We have all seen a little child, whether ours or someone else's, clinging to the legs of his/her mommy or daddy. That's what it's been like for me. Honestly, I can picture me so small with my arms wrapped around His legs, His bare feet showing beneath His robe. There is fear in my eyes, desperation, as I look up to Him for comfort. He looks down at me, and gently touches my hair. I can see the answer to my question in His eyes. I'm not meant to immediately understand the reasons for or timing of some events in my life. He will show me when He feels I'm ready to see. That's really all I need for now. One step at a time, as He holds my hand.